It's Father's Day this day has always been complicated, but now that I'm a single momma by choice I have a new relationship with this day. I love that I'm a connected & present momma to Sparrow. I celebrated Sperm Donor pappa day. I recently connected with several other momma's that have the same donor. It's fascinating to hear the similarities & I look forward to connecting more. I grew up with a single momma who was fiery complicated & loved me with all of her heart. I started doing a solo show about our relationship in 2003 & this literally transformed by relationship with her. This show toured NYC Off Broadway & now I have a new performance art show called Sparrowland. I realize that pieces still are unravelling with my own biological father. I called him today. It's kind of like that song Cat's In the Cradle he was unavailable he's version it was my mom keeping him away from him. My mom's version & my own memories tell me it was a mix of the three version we all have. That's why I love art - it sorts out the tangled pieces of our history. I was frustrated w him & upset with him giving me parenting advice from a ghost of a father. Though he has since he met my son briefly far more gentle with me than ever before. He even told, me I was a good momma as we walked out of the Kenwood Mall in Cincinnati, Ohio. The reader's digest version is it's complicated. I will continue to do my art - that reconnects me with the stories of my life. I have always been a seeker. I decided not to replicate my momma's life & be a single mom, but consciously chose to have a baby. Picked sperm donor. Spent a year obsessively researching infertility doctors. Labs. Healers. Writing. Art. This secret wish I kept secrete out of fear that I couldn't have it. I chose to have Sparrow & this has been the biggest gift of my life. I love love love being a momma. I love our adventures. I love that he makes me want to be a better woman - a line from As Good As It Get's.
I always admired writers. I was an avid reader in High School & always journaling. Now, this blog will happen in the wee hours of the night when Sparrow Sleeps. Reminds of Anne Lamott's book Operating Instructions she wrote with Sam her son under ear feet. I love love love that others have carved space & been momma, sober, artists.
So, on this first Father's Day where I messaged the father's in my life sending blessing, for the lost father's, and for the absent fathers. I was caught up on my story about my dad. I was with Sparrow & grateful for the father figures in our lives.
Sparrow rustling. To Be Continued.... Big Love